Wednesday, March 28, 2012

It's not fair.

Prepping for deployment is shaky ground.  There are conversations to have, paperwork to get in order, and time to spend as a family, without letting life get in the way.  Over the years, there is one phrase that sticks with me: It's not fair.

As CC and I were attempting to sort through a disagreement about some things, he asked me to tell him deep down what I want from him.  That's simple: don't go.  Ever.  Yes, I said it.  Yes, it's selfish (he asked for deep down).  But, truly, I don't know a military wife that wouldn't love to see her husband as fulfilled in his career at home as he is when he's deployed.  We know what it means and understand it's necessity.  We support our husbands through it.

But, still, it's not fair.  It's not fair that I love someone who has to leave me, who has to leave our kids.  It's not fair all of the birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, Mondays that he will miss here at home and will feel just a bit empty for us.

I know that, at this point, there are wives out there shaking their heads at me that I would dare to suggest or, *gasp* tell my husband that it's not fair.  But, guess what?  That's the honest truth.  Not the truth I have rationalized to make it through the days, but the deep down truth of how it feels when CC has to go.  As an adult, I understand that just because it's not fair does not mean that I am any less blessed. 

Saturday, March 10, 2012

It's hard.

Marrying CC is one of the best things I have done with my life.  That does not, however, mean that it is easy every day.  Do I love him every day?  Yes, though sometimes the "I like you" meter runs a little low.  It is difficult to have a marriage that is centered around a military career, in addition to all of the other day-to-day things that go on/wrong.

So, yes, I'm saying that it is hard to be married.  It's hard to remember that bad times don't last forever.  It's hard to have strings of days where talking is essentially nonexistent, followed by days, weeks, months of geographical separation that add fuel to the fire of discontent.  It's hard to not to take each other for granted.  It's hard for a million reasons.

But, it's easy for one: I love him.  Deep down, through everything, I love him.  I have loved him since the first moment I looked into his eyes when I was barely a teenager.  He is the missing piece of my life.  As I continue to watch the days on the calendar tick away so quickly, with D-day sneaking up silently, I remind myself that I love him.  And, I work on our marriage, making sure it's strong and solid for the next set of rough, lonely months.

It's hard...loving someone that has to leave...but if I had to decide to wait 10 years to see him for only one day or to give up and start a new life without him...that's an easy choice...I can do distance, I can't do losing him.