Sunday, April 22, 2012

Dear CC

Dear CC,

It's been more than 10 years since we started on this crazy ride first as two crazy-in-love young people, then as the crazy-in-love husband and wife.  You would think that after all this time that the separations and goodbyes would be easier.  It's not.  The hurt is overwhelming each and every TDY and deployment.  The loneliness is dark and intimidating...the tears still come as I watch you walk away, lie awake without you, and have to face each day alone.  There are days when I don't know how to keep going - but I do.  Would you like to know why?

Because I love you.  I would wait years to see you for one day.  You are the other piece of me that is always there no matter how far apart we are.  You were meant for me and I knew it the first time I looked in your eyes.  I am blessed to have someone to love so much that it hurts to watch you walk away - how unlucky would I be to just wave goodbye and move on with my day?  Yes, it hurts, but after months apart, I know that I will have an amazing day filled with butterflies in my stomach and the wonder of a first kiss...the overwhelming comfort of an embrace...the mixed blessing of no sleep as I marvel that you are in fact home with me.

I keep going because I am proud of all you do.  I am proud that you give your all to your job - a job you love and are so passionate about.

I make it through because I need to.  I need you. 

I love you, always.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

Oh my.

So, in our world, Saturday mornings mean soccer for Bubba.  And, usually, that is Daddy and son activity where us ladies observe and encourage.  This morning, I say "Time to get ready for soccer!" and hear "Is Dad here?" 
"Uh, no, son, he's not." 
"Who's taking me to soccer?" 
"I am." 

Ouch.  He then tells me that he doesn't want to go.  We get ready anyway, we get there and he halfway pays attention.  I attempt to assist in coaching him and participate in the drills as his partner while toting a toddler and watching a preschooler out of the corner of my eye.  I think I am more tired than he is and he kept telling me he wanted to quit.  This is heartbreaking for me.  I want to make everything okay for him.  I want his dad here, too.  And, we have just started this journey...the next few months are going to be trying.

Monday, April 9, 2012

Pity party? No, thank you.

So, in preparing to deal with CC's deployment, I needed to talk to my supervisor about taking a day off work and chat with a few other coworkers about things that needed taken care of.  Blah, blah, blah.  The part that drives me crazy is that I feel as though they think I am going to fall apart right then and burst out in tears and wail about how I will never make it through.  The pitiful looks that I get make me so uncomfortable, especially when it appears that I further disappoint them by straightening up just a little more and saying, "No need to be sorry.  This is our life.  We can do this."

I know that non-military families do not understand how this is for us; I know that they have the best intentions, I really do.  But, I hate sharing what is going on when I feel like they are waiting on me to fall apart so that they can sweep in and rescue me.  I am a private person, I handle my business and I have great friends that are there when I need some extra support.  And, if I threw myself a pity party every time our lives were difficult, I would be curled up in bed most days feeling bad for myself.

And, truly, it does hurt and I do want to break down in tears in the middle of the most random things and conversations.  But, I know that I can't.  I know that I need to hold myself together and make it through.  Make him proud of me and support him through this. 

Strength party?  I'll take one of those.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

What's military life without changes?

So, whilst enjoying a much needed vacation, CC received word that he would not be deploying for 6 months...only 4.  Yeah, see, I thought if I typed only 4 it would seem so much easier to swallow but it still stings.  The truth of it is that I am relieved to hear that we may get a reprieve on the length of separation (and I say may with the tone of a woman who has done this long enough to know that the moment I say: we will, the universe feels the need to slap me with another change).  Oh, and he's leaving SOON.  Yes, the time frame I was working with gave us some more family time and time to plan, adjust, and hug a bit longer. 

And, yeah, I was highly perturbed that my family vacation was interrupted with news of deployment.  I was enjoying my bubble of serenity (read: denial) which promptly burst with that phone call.  I had to work a little bit harder at forgetting what is coming and cherishing our family time together.

But, this is the life we live.  I am the wife who recognizes the tone of voice that goes with this type of call and hurries the kids off to distract them.  I don't ask questions and I don't ask why - but I am honest and I will say that it sucks.  And, I do say sarcastic things like: "I'm so glad they called during our vacation to give us this news, awesome!" Because, sarcasm is my defense against the pain.  Among all of that though, I also support my husband with "I know you want this and I am proud of you.  I will be fine."